Written by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D.
Remember how women are more characterized by responsive desire than spontaneous desire? That is, they are less likely to think, randomly, "Hey, sex would be good right now!" and more likely to experience their partner kissin' on 'em and go, "Oh yeah, sex! That's a good idea!"
And remember how the sexual response system is made of both the sexual excitation system (SES) and the sexual inhibition system (SIS), that is, the the gas and the brakes?
Your job, if you want your lady's every bone to deliquesce at the touch of your hand on the back of her neck (and that's a very good goal to have, I approve of you for having it) is to remove every possible thing that might keep her brakes on.
Turn off the offs.
The "offs" are all the things she worries about: the bills, the kids, the dishes, the vacuuming, her stress about work, her stress about her body, her stress about you and the relationship... There are some things you can't control, obviously, e.g., her phase in her cycle, the insanity of other people in her life, the economy... But those things that you can control? You should. These tend to be small, relatively painless things like cleaning the bathtub or doing the laundry or taking out the trash, those little hassles that accumulate in a woman's mind and push sex further and further down the list of things to do.
While on the one hand I am highly sympathetic to women-are-sexual-too messages like this, at the same time, it's just true for a lot of women that seeing their partner engaged in loving, supportive participation in managing the bullshit of life (like dishes and laundry and bathing the kids) helps to turn off the offs, which gives the ons an opportunity to have their wicked way.
...which you want.
You want the ons to have their wicked way.
So do the fucking dishes.
It might be less obvious tasks. For me, answering the door when the pizza guys comes is fraught with dread and anxiety; I don't know why, I'm an introverted freak, I guess. But if someone is ready and willing uncomplainingly to answer the door, he wins a non-stop ticket to a high quality blowjob. You may see now why the appreciation post had to come first. Understanding which little hassles put on her sexual brakes will let you determine which things to help her not worry about.
Warning: you might easily ruin all your efforts by asking for appreciation for what you've done. "Did you see I did the dishes?" "I got the pizza, so you didn't have to. Did you notice?" Resist this urge. In fact, when you feel this urge, do the opposite: GIVE HER appreciation.
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