Written by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D.
In my continuing story of stuff women can do to improve their desire, in lieu of any effective medical treatment, so far we've got:
And now:
Stop having sex.
I mean that.
Why? Well, sometimes people's sexual interest declines when they feel they're constantly under pressure to have sex. I call it The Chasing Dynamic and it goes like it:
PERSON A: Honey, wanna have sex?
PERSON B: No, not really.
A: How 'bout now? Wanna have sex now?
B: No, still not really.
A: Now? Wanna have sex now?
B: No. And quit asking me.
A: Now??
B: NO!
A: But... NOW?!?!
B: FUCK OFF!!!!
Obviously in real life this would take place over a series of days, weeks, months, or years, where Person A is constantly trying and failing to initiate, feeling increasingly rejected and desperate, and meanwhile Person B is feeling increasingly pushed and consequently is digging in their heels and feeling less and less likely to want sex any time in the foreseeable future. The more A asks, the more likely B will say no, and the more B says no, the more A asks. It's a bad scene. At some point, A may give up entirely and stop asking, so the couple coexists in a sort of cold war. Which is just as bad.
Solution? Make some new rules. The rules I'm about to suggest is a variation on Sensate Focus, the sex therapy developed by Masters and Johnson and since adapted to couples of any gender configuration. Feel free to adapt them in whatever way suits your relationship, bearing in mind the essential function of each rule.
(WARNING: If you try to make up rules together, chances are that the very dynamic which gave rise to the problems will prevent you from being able to create change. This is why therapists are helpful. Be open-hearted and trusting and willing to try some new things.)
(1) No sex. By which I mean no genital contact and no orgasms for... say... a month (this is arbitrary). There might be other things you put off-limits too, things that for you, as a couple, are the kinds of things that Person B resists because they feel pushed. The purpose of this is to remove every trace of expectation or demand that sex will be the result of any physical contact between you. Without the dread of "oh hell what if this perfectly pleasant kiss turns into a demand for sex that I still don't want?" both of you can relax and enjoy what physical intimacy you can have.
(2) Person A (whoever is NOT the low desire person) MAY NOT INITIATE. You can decide between yourself what degree of physical contact A may engage in, e.g., kissing and hugging are fine, but not breast, genitals, feet or ears, say. The purpose of this rule is to break down the power dynamic.
A brief tutorial: power is controlling access to something in which the other person has a vested interest, and both people acting like that's true. In this case, A feels that B has power because A has a vested interested in sex and B is acting as gatekeeper. But at the same time B doesn't feel powerful because the whole problem is that B doesn't feel like they have access to the sex A wants!
By taking away A's ability to ask, we're saying, "Yup, B is the gatekeeper for now. Sit down and shut up, darling." Person A is likely to have A Lot of Feelings about this. That's fine. Don't let all Those Feelings get in the way of creating positive change.
(3) Person B (the low desire person) MUST initiate at least twice a week. Or once a week if that seems like too much. Or three times, if that seems like too little. Negotiate a number that both of you feel is doable. The function of this rule is to put the power squarely in B's hands and then give them responsibility for doing something with it. B can't just sit there with all the power and do nothing. That's ungenerous and unhelpful.
Fortunately, since you have the "no sex rule," what B is initiating isn't sex, but rather sensual touching. No demand, no expectations, no pressure to "perform." Just touching and pleasure and awareness of bodies. At some point during the day or else right when you go to bed, B indicates that they're initiating sensual touching. Verbally, non-verbally, whatever works. You find at least 20 minutes of uninterrupted time when you can focus on each other and be attentive and present, without distractions.
If you choose a BAD time, it doesn't count.
The standard in sensate focus is to progress this way:
(Stage 1) one person touches the other (excluding body parts that underwear covers) for her own pleasure, and then they switch
(Stage 2) one person touches the other (excluding body parts that underwear covers) for her own and her partner's pleasure, and then they switch
(Stage 3) one person touches the other now, INCLUDING genitals/breasts, for both partners' pleasure, and then they switch
(Stage 4) simultaneous touching for mutual pleasure.
You don't have to do it that way. Orgasm is never the goal (it can't be, it's against the rules) but apart from that you can pretty much do what you want.
There's more stuff about self-protection and self-assertion that I'm going to skip over for now because this post is getting long. I'll write about that another time.
So those are the rules. Give it a try. See what happens.
