Written by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D.
Because of a comment from a friend, I'll do a series on small, realistic, effective things women with low desire can do to improve their sexual satisfaction.
Notice I say "improve their sexual satisfaction," not increase their desire. I don't know if there's stuff you can do to increase desire, I'm not even sure what it means to increase desire, but I'm guessing it means increasing SPONTANEOUS desire and women, more than men, are often less prone to spontaneous desire than to responsive desire.
So that's Thing #1:
Embrace responsive desire
If you feel that your desire is low, i.e., you don't often just WANT sex, out of the blue or with only a little incentive, try this:
Instead of aiming to DESIRE sex, aim to be WILLING to have sex.
Say you're not actively interested in having sex tonight. Okay. Would you be WILLING to have sex, if it were important to your partner?
Some of you might at this point say, "Well sure!" and you know that once you get involved in some quality sex with the snugglebucket of your choice, your body will come alive. If that's you, congratulations! You are officially not low-desire but responsive desire, totally unbroken, and can relax into a life of blissfully responsive sex. Hooray!
If you're not sure that your body will respond, but you're willing to try, you can tell your partner, "I'm not sure I'm in the mood and I might really not want to have sex, but we could just canoodle for a few minutes and see what happens, if you want. But I might end up saying no, so just be aware that this COULD end with you alone in the bathroom with a box of tissues and a vibrator...."
Or similar. Just let your partner know you're willing to try but you're not making any promises, and get their assurance that whenever you say stop, they'll stop.
Let your partner warm you up gradually, lovingly, affectionately. Spend ten or 15 minutes on foreplay stuff (no genitals!) and see what happens.
I *bet* something good will happen.
Meanwhile, let's conclude:
- Responsive desire is no less a healthy, normal expression of sexual desire, it just isn't the one men typically experience, and our stupid culture tries to tell women they're broken if they're not like men.
- Adore your responsive desire. It asks that your partner provide some good reason for you to be turned on, and what could be fairer? Sex with you is a big deal, 15 minutes of kissin' and huggin' and sweet-talkin' is quite a small toll to pay for the magisterial glory of your unrestrained lust.
