First, let me say a little more about decoupling sex and love. Because, imho, the source of many of our sexual difficulties is our sloppy sentimentality about sex and love. The reason we personalize our partner's sexual behavior so much is that we are viewing sexuality through lenses distorted by false assumptions. Read the following assertions:
All of these beliefs are not only false, but destructive.Some of you reading may still hold some of these ideas; most of us held them at one time in our lives. Those of us with happy sex lives probably overcame most of these false assumptions.
People in the kink community are realists about sex . Leather folk , who spend way more time on the their sex lives than most of us, view sex in an more objective, dispassionate way. They know that sex is a tool that has many uses and serves many masters. Its meaning is determined entirely by context. If a kinky person discovers that her partner is fantasizing about someone else, because she views sex realistically she does not personalize it, doesn't feel hurt or threatened. She knows that we are all sexual animals, and committed love doesn't change that. The BDSM partner may even find a way to incorporate her mate's sexual fantasies into their sex together.
Okay, so once you've developed more objectivity, how do you translate that into hotter sex?
LESSON TWO: COMMUNICATE.
Of the fallacies listed above, one of the most destructive is the belief that the partner should know their sexual likes and dislikes automatically, without being told, taught, or shown - because 'she's supposed toknow me.' Some people go so far as to see a partner's inability to please them sexually as an indicator of betrayal - 'after all this time, she should know I hate.......she doesn't love me/is trying to hurt me'
I find this very curious. After all, most of us don't expect our partners to be able to pick out clothing we'd like without us telling or showing them (NOTE: IF YOU DO EXPECT THIS, STOP READING NOW AND GO BUY "CODEPENDENT NO MORE"). We - hopefully - don't think they should know what kind of restaurant we want to go to tonight or what we want to order when we get there. Why is sex different?
The truth is that most of us are embarrassed to talk about sex, much less show or tell a partner exactly what we want. We want sex to magically 'happen' without us having to ask for ANYTHING. I've actually had people tell me if they have to ask it's not worth it.
That kind of attitude and behavior is alien to those in the BDSM culture. When two kinky people are contemplating having a 'scene,' or a sexual encounter, they often sit down ahead of time and engage in a dialogue to discuss the specifics of what each wants and negotiate a scenario that they will both enjoy.
The fact is, no two people are alike sexually(even if they are the same gender), and no one knows what you like unless you tell them. Moreover, you have to be really specific, because generalities can be too easily misinterpreted. You can't tell your partner, "I'd like more foreplay" and expect that to be enough. You can say, "I'd like you to kiss me softly - like all over my face, ears, neck - then take off my clothes slowly, like for example, maybe slowly unbutton my blouse and play with my nipples through the bra--then only after that touch my pussy." It's even better if you demonstrate while you talk, perhaps guiding your mate's hands, mouth, etc. to create the experience you desire. Or, you can watch sex DVD's together and use that to communicate your sexuality. Instead of viewing sexual communication as embarrassing or awkward, it can itself become a kind of foreplay.
In the BDSM world, preferences are communicated in exquisite detail. Sometimes people even fill out forms for their partners, forms that list more sexual activities than most of us can imagine. (NOTE: MOST OF THE S/M MANUALS HAVE COPIES OF THESE FORMS, AND YOU CAN FIND THEM ONLINE). Many of these forms ask for the writer to indicate whether an activity is preferred, tolerated, out of bounds, or - maybe. I find this a great attitude- one I encourage. It's Dan Savage's third "G" - being game to try things outside your comfort zone.
Why should you step outside the bounds of the familiar? Because, whether you realize it or not, part of what made sex exciting in the beginning of your relationship was the UNfamiliar- the newness of your partner's body, the sense of the unexpected, the slight tinge of insecurity/anxiety present when two people are still getting used to each other. BDSM people, who might be described as sexual adventurers, the hang-gliders of the erotic world, know this. They understand that fear, anxiety, and transgressiveness can drive us to heights of intense pleasure. They sense this paradox of human nature, our attraction to situations of 'controlled danger' - roller coasters, horror movies, and 'forbidden' sex acts. And they use creativity and ingenuity to play with these darker emotions in their intimate encounters.
This article originally appeared on Margie's blog at IPG Counseling (the Institute for Personal Growth), where more of her writing can be found.