How to have more confidence in 2021
A few ways to get your groove back
Written by Jennifer Hanson
Confidence is key when it comes to almost any situation, and sex is no exception. But the stress of daily life, unrealistic expectations and the tendency to compare ourselves to others can leave us feeling ill-equipped to assert ourselves. Here are a few ways to get both your confidence and groove back.
Make it your mantra
One way to regain your confidence is to become more mindful of patterns of negative self-talk. There’s evidence that meditating on a mantra may improve your daily life by eliminating needless energy expenditure.1 Once less of your energy goes towards blaming yourself, you’re more likely to find acceptance at a deeper level. Acceptance comes from experiencing a state of meditation that is free of criticism.It allows you to embrace yourself more fully, appreciate others’ humanity and generally be more tolerant.
This nonjudgemental state makes it easier for your positive intentions to become your reality. The more you repeat and believe in a thought or behavior, the more likely it is for that thought or behavior to feel true to you.
Acknowledge the things that you want to work on as you brainstorm your perfect mantra. Now is an excellent time to focus on the topics you want to improve. Remind yourself that you’re worthy of feeling empowered and decide on your first mantra accordingly. Find a mantra that makes you feel powerful. Your body is the extension of yourself that the rest of the world sees, and it’s essential to believe in its capabilities no matter what. But your mantra doesn’t even have to be about your body image. It doesn’t matter what your mantra is as long as it makes you feel both worthy and powerful.
While mantras are a helpful habit, there’s another simple change you can make that will heighten your confidence: posturing. Sitting up straight may seem like an inconsequential movement, but it actually has an impact on how you view yourself
. The movement encourages you to focus on mindfulness and making it a habit will significantly improve confidence and well-being if practiced daily.
In a similar vein, altruistic practices like being selfless and giving to others are associated with helping to build confidence
. You can mirror this in small ways by being thoughtful and remembering details about someone’s day, or calling a friend to check in on their mental health.
Notice what you love about yourself
You’ve changed your daily habits and you’re now more mindful. You’re sitting up straight every chance you get. Now, it’s time to reclaim your confidence by looking in the mirror!
Looking at yourself isn’t always easy, especially if you’ve lost confidence in your physical appearance over time. Maybe you got negative feedback from someone you thought you could trust, or you got busy and your body image
took a backseat. While looks definitely aren’t everything, a little pampering might be just what you need to rebuild your confidence.
Start by planning a time to make yourself look good according to your own standards. Don’t hold back: put on a nice outfit, experiment with a new way to do your makeup, or even dye your hair. You deserve to look in the mirror and love what you see!
Once you’re finally feeling yourself and showing confidence, spend some time examining yourself. Stay focused, even when you notice anything you might think is a flaw. Everyone’s got flaws, but it’s all about how you accentuate your good attributes to remind yourself of your confidence.
Push through by concentrating on all of the little things that you find attractive about yourself. Maybe you’ve got big beautiful eyes that someone could get lost in, or killer legs that are a mile long. Unapologetically admire, love and get lost in yourself for a few minutes. Remember this feeling of loving yourself. Hold onto it.
Then, challenge yourself to do this same exercise with your personality. Make a list of all of your positive attributes, whether you’ve been complimented on them or you know they’re favorable. Be conscious of any attributes that you can focus on playing up. This work is worth it, so you’ll feel comfortable showing up with a positive attitude about yourself.
Once you’ve armed yourself with all your most confident features, you’ll be ready to apply them in a more sexual context.
Confident sex, here we come
Mindfulness can go a long way when it comes to improving sexual confidence
. Now that you’ve reflected, you’ve meditated and you know what you love about yourself, your partner’s not going to know what hit them the next time you get physical! Your new confidence can manifest in different ways, and it’s useful to be prepared for them beforehand.
Start by preparing yourself to be your most confident self in bed. For some, lingerie works wonders in this department. Sexy outfits or lingerie can work wonders to accentuate the parts of your body that you love. Even if you’re not ready to turn up the heat and attempt a sensuous strip tease, you can still strut in and show them what you’ve got. While genital body confidence is important for the sexual functioning of all genders
, women’s genital body confidence
is especially important because it’s linked with sexual satisfaction
. However, lingerie is not limited to cisgendered women; it’s a great confidence booster for people of all genders.
Once you’re ready to go and feeling sexy, try initiating sex
or foreplay with your partner. Initiating sex is one of the most obvious ways to show off your confidence, especially if you’re usually the reciprocator. The next time you’re feeling hot and heavy, surprise your partner with something they may not expect and see how they react.
Even if they’ve started it or you’re not quite ready to dive in headfirst, you can always set the pace and tone of your encounter once you’ve started messing around. Depending on how you’re feeling, take the initiative to slow things down or come on strong. There’s something incredibly enticing about knowing what you want, and it’s time to show off how well you’ve come to know yourself and your desire
Another part of feeling comfortable and confident with sex is getting the pleasure you love
. You’ve done the hard work, so don’t be afraid to be assertive during sex. This rings true especially for women, since evidence has shown
sexually assertive women reported more sex and orgasms, as well as higher marital and sexual satisfaction. Mutual pleasure is super important, and this newfound confidence will surely inspire your partner to focus on your pleasure even more. Make noise, enjoy it, love your body and don’t hesitate to ask for more when you need it.
No matter how you identify, it’s important to insist on living your life the way you want both in and outside of the bedroom. Building confidence is the necessary first step to making sure you assert yourself instead of shying away from what you want.
1. Kirsten, G. J. V. (2001). The use of meditation as a strategy for stress management and the promotion of wellness in teachers: An educational psychology study. Unpublished doctoral dissertation, Potchefstroom University for Christian Higher Education, Potchefstroom, South Africa