If you're anything like me, and you've suffered from premature ejaculation (PE) for as long as you can remember, then the simple words "stop/start" and "squeeze" probably make you want to run up to the roof, raise your arms to the sky, and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!"
That's because for the past 30 years, doctors, therapists, and other experts have recommended these "simple" techniques - squeeze and stop/start - as an effective means of curing PE. But for as long as I've been practicing as a sex therapist, which is over a decade now, guys have been telling me, in no uncertain terms, that these techniques don't work.
I can relate. The whole reason I even became a sex therapist was because of my struggles to "overcome" PE. I learned the hard way what works and doesn't. One woman I was dating got so fed up with all of my stopping and starting that she shouted, "Jesus, what are we doing - parking a car or having sex?" And as far as squeezing goes, give me a break: Trying to stop the build-up of arousal and stave off the gusher of ejaculation with a gentle squeeze of the head of the penis is like trying to plug the BP oil spill with a few gobs of toilet paper - totally pointless! I'm an "expert" - and I say screw the experts! Most of them haven't lived through the hell of PE, and if they have, then they know they're lying when they recommend just a few simple steps to cure PE and they should be ashamed of themselves. I've dedicated my life to better understanding PE and helping guys deal with it. Here are five things about PE I know to be true:
1. The vast majority of men who suffer from PE suffer from it chronically. They've never known any other way, and it doesn't get better with age. In fact, it often gets worse. It's not uncommon for an older guy to grapple with PE and erectile disorder (ED).
2. Poor masturbation habits have nothing to do with PE. I used to buy into that line of thought, too - the idea that guys with PE masturbated too quickly and trained their bodies to ejaculate easily - but studies show that guys with PE don't do anything differently than guys without PE when it comes to masturbation, and their penile sensitivity is about the same.
3. Not only do techniques like "stop/start" not help, they often make things worse. Think about it: As a guy with PE, what do you mainly want to accomplish? To last longer? Sure. But why? To pleasure a woman and help her achieve orgasm. For a woman to have an orgasm, she needs to be able to relax and disconnect and let go. Studies have shown that parts of the female brain associated with stress and anxiety actually need to deactivate during sex. If she's worried that you're going to say "stop" in 15 seconds, there's no way she's going to have an orgasm.
4. PE is not curable, it's manageable. Men with PE have a brain chemistry that predisposes them to PE. In that sense PE is a genetic condition. Just like there are genetic birth defects, PE may be a genetic sex defect. I personally found that taking a low dosage of an SSRI antidepressant such as Paxil helped significantly, because SSRIs have the side effect of delaying ejaculation. They also have other side effects, but in my case the benefit of being able to last longer far outweighed any negatives. I didn't stay on the meds forever, and while I did find that when I went off them it was harder to last longer, my time on an SSRI did give me the chance to develop some confidence and learn some new sex skills.
5. These sex skills largely focus on oral sex - as discussed in my book She Comes First - and what I call "perpendicular sex positions," which involve making love with an emphasis on the top side of the penis as opposed to the sensitive underside.
If you want to learn more about my approach to sex as a PEer, as well as other insights into the condition, check out my new ebook, the Good in Bed Guide to Overcoming Premature Ejaculation.
