Managing Anger after Discovering Infidelity

Some people react angrily when they learn of a partner's infidelity. Others respond calmly. Most people find that they swing between the two extremes in the days, weeks and, sometimes, months following the discovery of a partner's infidelity. 

The aftermath of infidelity is often a confusing and difficult time for both partners. Here are some strategies to manage your emotions now, for a better chance at repairing the relationship later:


• Discuss some details about the affair soon after you find out, but wait to have a full discussion until both of you have calmed down.
• Walk away from an escalating argument. Once you say something, you can never take it back. Agree to resume the conversation later.

• Obsessive thinking is a normal response to trauma, but it's not healthy to verbalize everything you are thinking. Each time you start obsessing over unanswered questions, write them down in a journal or notebook.

• When you are feeling calm and balanced, set up a time to discuss your most pressing questions with your partner in a controlled setting.

• Schedule worry times for yourself. Agree that you will allow yourself to think about the affair, and other disturbing thoughts about it and your partner during these times--perhaps one hour a day.

• Practice thought-control at other times when you feel yourself obsessing. When you're having unwanted or overwhelming thoughts, force yourself to think of something else, like an event you're looking forward to or a good friend.


How can a couple deal with lingering loyalty to the affair partner?

After an affair is revealed, the partner who's been having another relationship may feel conflicted about cutting off contact with the person. This feeling of attachment is complicated by the fact that affair partners often work together or otherwise see each other on a regular basis. 


Lingering loyalty or connection to the affair partner feels outrageous and hurtful to the betrayed partner--and rightfully so. If you've agreed to stay together and work on your relationship, it's essential to re-establish trust and end all contact with the affair partner. However, both partners play a role in easing back into their relationship and allowing the affair relationship to fade away in importance:

• The partner who had the affair should recognize that comparing the affair relationship to the primary relationship is unfair. You're comparing an exciting, secret relationship that has no constraints to a real-life, long-term relationship. They can't compete and the affair would likely lose its luster once it became part of daily life.
• The partner who was betrayed should realize the affair wasn't planned. No one ever imagines a relationship will ultimately cause so much pain and anguish. This is especially true in cases of emotional infidelity, which often begins innocently and gradually. As long as there's a clear commitment to this relationship, give the other partner some time to get over the normal feelings of attachment to this person they grew close to.