By Kristen Mark, Ph.D.
I know that a threesome, or menage a trois, has crossed the minds of most couples at some point or another, whether as a fantasy or the real thing. And while not everyone is comfortable even suggesting one, a little honesty can go a long way to help you make the fantasy a reality or even just incorporate the fantasy into your own sex life. Here's how to make threesomes happen.
When one partner suggests a threesome, it's easy for the other to feel worried about the state of the relationship. Really, a threesome sex fantasy is a compliment. Any time I've had a partner approach me with the idea, I've felt flattered and viewed it as a positive sign of their comfort level with me, regardless of whether I actually chose to participate.
Your ability to talk about a threesome is a good indicator of the strength of your relationship (and communication is key when it comes to making threesomes happen). In the Good In Bed Guide to 52 Weeks of Amazing Sex, the authors discuss how to get the most juice out of this fantasy, as well as other sexy scenarios. Can you two discuss other sexual topics openly and without embarrassment? If so, this chat is probably going to go a lot more smoothly. Start off by enjoying the concept of a threesome as a sexy secret fantasy between the two of you.
Pretend you're going to have one and choose celebrities or random people from a crowd that appeal to you both. Now gauge your partner's reaction. Does she show a spark of interest in the real thing? If not, keep it as a fantasy and use sex toys, porn or role-playing to incorporate it into your sex life. If she is interested, move on to the next step.
If your partner shows interest in an actual threesome, it's time to hash out the details. How do you envision it? How does she? It's no surprise that about 95% of heterosexual guys prefer a woman to be the "guest star," and while some female partners agree, others are more interested in adding another man to the mix. Talk about your preferences, including whether you both want to partake, whether one of you wants to watch, or a bit of both.
Setting up some threesome rules are a crucial part of pulling it off. Research shows that women can be awfully protective of their emotional bond with their boyfriend or husband. It's important to realize that if she feels threatened by your "guest star," your threesome is going to end pretty badly (and so might your relationship). Talk about the ground rules before the night begins: Are you OK with her kissing the third party? Is she all right with you penetrating another woman? Discuss all the potential outcomes so you both know what to expect. Don't push your partner into anything she's not ready for.
And remember: Make her the star of the show.
