In my new book Overcoming Premature Ejaculation, I discuss my own battles with the issue, as well as my journey to recovery and the techniques I developed for sexually satisfying a woman. Part of my journey to sexual health required developing a deeper, realer understanding of female sexuality. I learned, for example, that even if a guy can theoretically last as long as he likes during sex, a woman still isn't necessarily going to have an orgasm. If she's not receiving the right type of stimulation (persistent and clitoral), a guy can last longer than an episode of "Boardwalk Empire" and it's not going to make a difference. That's where porn gets it all wrong. Sex can be short and oh-so-very sweet for both partners.
Unlike men, women don't reach a point of "orgasmic inevitability" - the moment when, even without further physical stimulation, a guy ventures past the point of no return. In fact, men and women are so different in this respect that many women claim to "lose" an orgasm just as they're on the verge of having one, which can be particularly frustrating, especially if it occurs regularly. The difference between "coming close" and actually climaxing is like smoothly piloting a plane across the Atlantic only to crash before you hit the runway. Guys need to pay attention to the journey through female arousal, particularly those final moments of potential orgasmic ecstasy.
At Good in Bed we advise guys to get into the 90-second window - the interval when she's a minute or so away from orgasm. Once you're in that window, it's all about making a smooth ride, and even if you mess it up (as I often did in my struggle with premature ejaculation), you can still perform an emergency landing and ensure her orgasm. I'll explain.
But first, you have to get her in the 90-second window. Here's how:
1. First, you need have sex in a space where she's comfortable and relaxed - like a bedroom that's dimly lit. Studies show that women need to feel relaxed and mentally at ease to be able to orgasm. So do whatever you can to help your partner feel secure and comfortable.
2. Stimulate her sense of fantasy. Research has found that the vast majority of women fantasize during sex, probably because fantasy helps with that critical component of mental relaxation and distraction from reality. So tell her something really hot that places her at the center of the fantasy.
3. Enjoy foreplay. Lots of it. In fact, think of foreplay as a complete act of lovemaking, from start to finish. Treat her entire body like an erotic landscape: kissing, hugging, oral sex. Most women, although certainly not all, claim that receiving oral sex is the way they most consistently orgasm, but many guys only think of foreplay as an appetizer to the bigger meal of intercourse. Instead of intercourse, indulge in a lavish meal of outercourse.
4. Recognize the visible signs of female arousal, mainly the muscular tension that develops throughout her body and will ultimately demand release. Look especially for tension in the hands and feet and throughout her pelvic area.
5. Keep in mind that for many women having an orgasm requires a sense of non-distracted focus, and often requires going inwards mentally. Don't necessarily expect moans and shouts of pleasure, but instead pay attention to the silence and to the muscular tension throughout her body.
6. If you're unsure if she's entering the 90-second window, ask her if she's getting close and tell her to give you a sign, like squeezing your hand. Again, you want to offer as little distraction as possible.
When she's in the 90-second window:
7. Keep doing what you're doing, and don't stop or change what's working. When a woman is close to orgasm, instead of thinking about thrusting, know that her orgasm will come from pressure against the clitoris. So whatever you're doing, whether it's with your penis, mouth, hand, or toy, provide a point of solid resistance. Let her do the work and the pushing, and stay focused on providing resistance.
8. If you do transition into an intercourse position, go for female-superior (woman on top), which is the position from which most women most consistently orgasm, because of the persistent clitoral stimulation it provides. Or, if you're a little more advanced, try a position like CAT (coital alignment technique), a modified missionary position that focuses on deep thrusting and then maintaining contact between her clitoris and your pelvis.
Enjoy her orgasm. It may be simultaneous with yours, but more than likely it will be "serial" - either yours or hers will come first. If yours comes first, don't worry: If you're in that 90-second window (and in a position like female-superior), it will take about 90 seconds for you to lose your erection, so she should still be able to orgasm if she's still receiving persistent clitoral stimulation from pressing her clitoris against your pelvis.
And if she has her orgasm first? Now enjoy yours, but know that another amazing capacity of female sexuality is a woman's innate capacity to enjoy multiple orgasms, which I wrote about in this column a few weeks ago. Take a few moments--and then get ready to open another 90-second window.
Ian Kerner is a sex therapist and best-selling author of numerous books, including 'She Comes First' and 'Love in the Time of Colic.' He is the founder of Good in Bed, and lives with his wife and two kids in New York City.