Quick Question: My Boyfriend Is Obsessed With My Orgasm -- HELP!

First things first, no one gives you an orgasm. You have an orgasm. Although it might seem like a gift in its culmination of erotic pleasure, it's yours. So your boyfriend should try to get that idea out of his head, pronto.

A lot of men (and some women) see the orgasm as a stamp of approval that you've enjoyed yourself, which is what seems to be happening with your man. Perhaps he needs a little education about the female orgasm. To give him this education, I think it would be really beneficial for both of you to take a look at the Good in Bed eBook on Female Orgasm, written by one of our experts, Dr. Emily Nagoski ...

If he has expressed that it's "messed up" that you don't orgasm every time, you two have obviously talked about the topic, which is great. However, I think you can relay some info to him: Only about 30 percent of women orgasm during intercourse alone, almost all women require some clitoral stimulation to orgasm, and an even smaller number have experienced a G-spot orgasm.

I don't mean to make it seem as though this pleasure isn't possible, it is. But since his emphasis on it bothers you, I think you can use those stats to your advantage in explaining how non-messed up you really are.

Although it's a great sign that there has been some communication, how far has this communication gone? Based on your question, it doesn't seem like you've told him that you've been faking it. The eBook on Female Orgasm also discusses faking orgasm, and there is a whole thread dedicated to it on Good in Bed you might want to look at.

Some women fake due to enormous pressure from their partners, which likely sounds familiar to you. I, too, can relate to this. Maybe you feel like he won't enjoy sex as much if you don't come, or that he will feel like a failure in the pleasure department, so you figure its easier to fake it. However, this is giving him the false impression that you are satisfied, when you aren't. You can most certainly be satisfied without orgasm, but with the pressure he is putting on you, this is unlikely. Honesty about the pressure and the orgasm are both potentially important building blocks to not only your sex life, but also your relationship.

I do think you should stop faking orgasm and talk to him about the role pressure is playing in taking away from your satisfaction. You can do this using some or all of the materials I've linked above.

To save your sexual satisfaction in this relationship, something needs to change. I think only you know the damage that might be done by telling your partner that you've been faking it, so whether you want to disclose that or not is up to you. I think it is more important that your boyfriend educate himself on the female orgasm; hopefully he'll come to the realization that there are a lot of wonderful things sex has to offer that are outside the realm of orgasm.

Kristen Mark, M.Sc., is currently completing her PhD in health behavior with concentrations in human sexuality and statistics at Indiana University. She is a researcher at the Center for Sexual Health Promotion and researcher and writer for the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction. Her research largely focuses on sexuality in the context of relationships; maintaining sexual desire; and sexual quality, pleasure and satisfaction. For more of Kristen, please visit Good in Bed

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