The art of simultaneous satisfaction
Written by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D.
Romance novels and movies are awash in simultaneous orgasms.
Hero and Heroine (read that like you're Dudley Do-Right) cross that exquisite threshold, launch themselves willingly over a trembling edge, and tumble downward in a spiraling, panting tangle of sheets and sweat.
It's terribly compelling, terribly romantic, this notion of fusing so utterly with your partner that every barrier is shed, every defense is dropped, and your bodies lock into each other's arousal. The boundaries of your very skin seem to become permeable and you, almost literally, merge into each other, like the entrainment and synchronization of two rhythms or the joining of the Blue Nile with the White Nile or the microscopic union of egg and sperm giving rise to one new life or... whatever metaphor gets you.
But in real life, simultaneous orgasms are hard, both for emotional reasons, and for straightforward mechanical reasons.
As discussed in the Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms, there are some differences between men's and women's orgasms. Specifically, women take longer to orgasm and are less likely to orgasm from penile/vaginal penetration.
And if the goal is for two people to have an orgasm at the same time, then how long it takes you to get there and what kind of stimulation propels you over the edge, well, those are things you need to be able to match up.
You need three things for that:
- You need a high degree of control over your own sexual response.
- You need a modality that provides enough of the right kind of stimulation to get you both to orgasm.
- You need a minute awareness of your partner's level of arousal. In short, you need control, modality, and attention.
This is the easiest of the three. If you
read this section and think, "Dude, that sounds hard!" perhaps the time
is not yet ripe for you to pursue simultaneous orgasm. For everyone
else, here's what to do.
Gentlemen: Please teach yourself to maintain
a high level of arousal without ejaculating. If you can stay pretty
darn aroused for half an hour, that's a good start. An hour is better.
Let's say there are two primary modalities for simultaneous orgasm. There are more, of course, but let's simplify a bit:
Penetration. If she's one of the 18.4 percent of women1 who are reliably orgasmic from penetration, this
will be a little simpler for you. If she is instead in the majority of
women, you need to find a way to add clitoral stimulation to your
intercourse. All kinds of other stimulation can be useful too: Breast
stimulation. Kissing. Hair touching/pulling/gripping, etc. Face and/or
throat touching. And any number of psychological dynamics that might
intensify the experience for you: pinning your partner down or allowing
your partner to pin you down, fantasy and role play, a sexy venue... but
be careful, though, that these add to your arousal without distracting
you so much that you lose track of your partner's arousal.
Attention is even more difficult during simultaneous orgasms because you have to pay attention to both your own and your partner's arousal. You have to pay all the necessary attention to yourself to get yourself to orgasm, and on top of all that, you have to monitor your partner's arousal to get the timing right.
The people who find simultaneous orgasm easiest are probably people who find their partner's arousal level to be highly, highly stimulating. Fortunately, this is learnable. Practice paying attention to your partner's arousal level and experiencing it as a part of your own arousal.
Imagine what it might feel like to be in his or her skin, what he or she must be feeling. Allow your partner's arousal to feed and merge with your own arousal.
Again, remember that this is all extra bonus sexy fun. Having or not having simultaneous orgasms is no reflection on your sexual health and wellness. Happily, every occasion that you practice can potentially improve your life and relationship, not just your sex life and sexual relationship, but your whole life, your whole relationship. It's good. Do it. Try it.
- Herbenick, D., Fu, T. C., Arter, J., Sanders, S. A., & Dodge, B. (2018). Women's experiences with genital touching, sexual pleasure, and orgasm: Results from a US probability sample of women ages 18 to 94. Journal of sex & marital therapy, 44(2), 201-212.