When a man won't go down

By Madeleine Castellanos, M.D.

Ladies, have you ever come across a man who just seems to be unable, unwilling, or avoidant when it comes to giving you oral sex? Even when you have tried your best to convince and cajole him into going down on you, he just doesn't want to spend any time kissing and licking your most sensitive spot? It may seem difficult to understand, but there can be many obstacles for some men in giving oral sex to women.

First, there is often the misconception that a woman's vulva or vagina is "dirty." Nothing could be farther from the truth. Actually, there are more bacteria in a person's mouth than there normally found in a woman's vagina. The vagina is also continuously refreshing itself. In fact, the vaginal mucosa and cervix exude secretions to clean itself out daily and have even have antibodies that serve as a first line against infections.

Psychologically, some men have a very difficult time getting past the fact that the urethra is very close to the vaginal opening. It doesn't seem to bother them, however, that the same opening is very prominent on their penis when a woman is going to give him oral sex. Urine is sterile, so it doesn't infect or contaminate the vagina or labia. If a woman has proper hygiene, there is nothing "dirty" about it. And the lubrication that she experiences during arousal is very similar to a man's pre-ejaculatory fluid, clean and clear.

Still, other men feel very uncomfortable when they think of themselves in the position of having their face up to a woman's pussy. They may feel a lack of control and a feeling of being in a position of subservience or subordination when they eat a woman out. In actuality, the giver of oral sex is in the most powerful position, controlling the speed, intensity, and pleasure of oral sex. But some men have difficulty experiencing it this way, and instead feel that it is a ridiculing or demeaning position.

Unfortunately for female partners of such men, these beliefs can be deeply ingrained into a man's psychology and are often difficult to change. If the hesitancy started because of a lack of education, it's just a matter of learning about the cleanliness of the area and the ease with which it can be washed. If, however, it has become a very rooted negative idea in his psyche, it may be very difficult or impossible to work with. These men will never realize the power they can have in giving their women immense sexual pleasure unless they face their own fears and insecurities. Powerful is the man who not only learns how to give his woman one of the best pleasures she can experience, but also delights in doing so.

For a wonderful guide to all aspects of cunnilingus, please get yourself a copy of my colleague's book She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman.

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